F*!$! You Halo!!! (A Salty Review)

BY COREY FLOYD




I have been a fan of Halo since day one. Not only the video game series but the books and comics as well. There are so many good stories in there that could be told on the big screen. Initially, there was an announcement back in 2011 by Steven Spielberg that he would head up a Halo series. Of course, nothing came of it.

Meanwhile, the dawn of fan films came about, and you saw creators making their own halo stories based on and around the lore. Making a movie should be easy. In 2017 I wrote about why there hasn't been one yet check it out here https://www.amerimewire.com/2017/05/why-no-halo-movie.html . But in 2022 behold the 10 million dollars per episode epic which is Halo. An Epic fucking disaster. The series which should have easily been a slam dunk went out of its way to be a failure and since it was contracted out for 2 seasons it's safe to say that the streaming platform paramount plus is already behind the curve because Star Trek can't save a whole service. But allow me to dive in a bit.




The showrunners thought it would be best to not play the video games or look at the already established lore. That's like someone asking for steak at a restaurant and you being to cook pig's butt. They misunderstood the whole assignment. First of all, they call it the Silver Timeline so they can make it clear that this isn't gonna be related to any of the 20 years of work already laid down. This is just a lazy way of saying “We didn't play any of the games or read any of the material” which we find out late is a lie. As the show goes on, we find that they did know the source material just enough to mutate it for the sake of their own story. They use the fact that the doctor behind the Spartan Program was able to make clones of people, but the clones would eventually die of sickness.


Then we have the Master Chief. A shadow of his former self in so many ways. Not only does he seem to spend a lot of time out of his armor. He is also sexualized with nude & sex scenes. The sex scene is with a character that is made up for the show and is supposed to be the enemy. The Master Chief is played by Pablo Schreiber who some of you might remember from “Orange is the new Black” and the show American Gods. review for that here https://www.amerimewire.com/2017/07/american-gods-why-am-i-so-late.html .

The showrunners made it about putting a face to the chief. But not for the sake of storytelling. If it were for storytelling, they would have held back on it as Jon Faveru did for The Mandalorian. We didn't see his face till the end of the first season. They blew their load at the end of the first episode. On top of that this version of the character hasn't earned anything from the viewer to even understand his new motives or ambitions because they decided to make their own story. But they wanted us to fill in the blanks with what we already know but none of it matches!! All these squares don't make a damn circle.





These secondary characters are bland!!! Kwan Ha takes up so much of the season's runtime with a bland by-the-numbers story that could have been in an entirely other bland show. Not only is her story bland but the character is unbearable, and I hope the character (not the actor) dies. The other character Makee was predictable. She was raised by the covenant and is becoming a mole to get to the MC and kill him. It was so tiring, and I wished this wasn't here. Of all the secondary characters there was only one decent enough to mention and that is. Soren is played by Bokeem Woodbine.




He's an escaped Spartan turned space pirate/mercenary. He has charisma but a lot of what he does is predictable, to say the least.


They had all of these books to adapt. But instead, they spit in the face of the fans who have been here since day keeping the franchise strong. The showrunner's hubris is deafening. Show creators that are barely seasoned in my opinion with shows like LoneStar, The Last Ship, and American Dad under their belts this feels like a setup. A decade ago, we were teased with Steven Spielberg & Neil Blomkamp but ended up with Steven Kane and Kyle Killen. It's ordering a Filet Mignon and lobster, but they bought you a burnt hamburger and shitty popcorn shrimp. If this is what Halo is serving, I would rather starve. Don’t forget this is the same studio behind the Sonic movies a franchise that by all accounts should have failed.


Halo Season one: final grade F (fuck this show)


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